Jeff Martell

Jeff Martell

For Musicians Only

You Might Be Too Old to Gig If ---

-- before each gig, you find yourself warming up parts of your body that are
stiff and the right part never does.

-- it becomes more important to find a place onstage for your boxfan, than
your amp.

-- during the second set, you scream for the drummer to please stop
hitting those annoying cymbals anymore.

-- you refuse to play out of tune and you stop in the middle of the song to
tune up*

-- your gig clothes make you look like george burns out for a round a golf*

-- your fans have left by 10:30

-- all you want from groupies is a foot massage.

-- you love shopping the dollar store because you can sing along to most
of your playlist.

-- you hire band members for their values instead of their talent.*

-- instead of a fifth piece, your band wants to spring for a roadie with
the extra money .

-- First you lose the directions to the gig, then you find them but they're
still no use to you because you forgot your reading glasses.

-- prepping for the gig involves plucking hair from your chin or nose

-- you need your glasses and help to see your amp settings*

-- you've thrown out your back stepping off the stage

-- you're thrilled to have new year's off*

-- the waitress is your daughter

-- you stop the set because your bottle of ibruprofen fell behind the
speakers

-- most of your crowd just sways in their seats

-- you find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar case

-- you refuse to play without earplugs*

-- you ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 instead of 9:30 so you
can get to bed sooner.

-- you check the tv schedule before booking a gig

-- high notes make you cough and gasp for air

-- your gig stool has a back

-- you're related to at least one other member of the band

-- you need a nap before the gig

-- during the breaks, you now go to your van to lay down

-- you prefer a music stand with a light*

-- you don't recover until tuesday afternoon

-- you can't operate without a setlist

-- you discourage playing longer than contracted*

-- you have a contract*

You'd rather play at the same crappy club for 6 months instead of facing the
night you have to pack up
-- You have to pee before and during every set

-- Between sets you ignore the women, you just want to kick off your shoes
and relax

--Your gig bag now includes cough drops, ibuprofin, aspirin and Pepcid
complete

--You print your set lists in Arial size 48 so you can see them

--You' re glad you wear a guitar or sit behind the drums because it hides
your gut

___________________________________________________

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a
musician."She replies, "Well, honey, you know you can't do both."
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: The defendant.
Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ Test?
A: Saliva.
Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.
Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and
a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.
Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.
Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two soprano sax players reading off the same part.
Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind-driven manually operated pitch approximator.
Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.
Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.
Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.
Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.
Q: What's the difference between an opera singer and a
pit bull?
A: Lipstick.
Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music
at the same time.
Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
A: Alone.
Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.
Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chain saw?
A: You can tune a chain saw.
Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: "That's the banjo player's Porsche."
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
A: Seven, if you lay them out correctly.
Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force
everyone to move out of range.
Q: What's the best recording of the Walton Violin Concerto?
A: "Music Minus One"
Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and
a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.
Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say,
"Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Q:Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
A: Friend: "I hope so."
Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek.
Q. What is a glissando?
A: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.
Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure
orchestra player
to become a soloist.
Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff
until you find it
again.
Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are
on the wrong
pitch.
Did you hear about the tenor who was so arrogant the
other tenors noticed?
Q: What do you call a hundred conductors at the bottom of
the ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: Barenboim, Levine and Mehta all went down in a plane
crash. Who survived?
A: Mozart.
Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: They can't find the key, and they never know when to
come in.
Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.
Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the
road, and a dead trombonist in the road?
A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to
a gig.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A vocalist.
Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.
Q: Why can't voice majors have colostomies?
A: Because they can't find shoes to match the bag.
Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running
around in your back yard?
A: Stop laughing and shoot again.
Q: How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they can't get up that high !!!!!!
Soprano Sofege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Not You, ME!!
Q: What's the perfect weight of a conductor?
A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.
Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They're all dead.
Q: What's the definition of optimism?
A: A bass trombonist with a beeper.
Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player?
A: Back up.
Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof
Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
A: Cut the noose
Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?
A: His amp.
Q: How do you get a three-piece horn section to play in tune?
A: Shoot two of them.
Q: What's the difference between a bull and a band?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in
the back.
Q: How many vocalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. They hold the bulb over their head and the world
revolves around them.
Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None, they have machines for that now.
Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
Q: How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: What's the last thing a drummer says before he gets
kicked out of a band?
A: "When do we get to play MY songs?"
Q: What's the difference between a tuba and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.
Q: How do you define a perfect pitch?
A: When the saxophone lands in the MIDDLE of the dumpster.
Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
A: Night manager at McDonalds.
Q: Why are violas larger than violins?
A: They aren't. Violists' heads are smaller.